Dear Maggie Montclair,
My husband died over 4 years ago, and I still have all of his things. His clothes are in his dresser and closet. His tools are in the garage right where he left them. Is this normal, or do I need to get help as my sister suggests? I have room for his things, and they give me pleasure. So, why get rid of them?
Full closets in Connecticut
Dear Full Closets,
If this is really not an emotional issue for you then getting rid of everything except for one shirt should not be a problem. It is customary to give away items that are no longer needed. The inability to do so might be an indication that other problems are surfacing. If that is the case, some counseling could prove helpful. There are many men who need and would greatly appreciate his clothing. Maybe a relative would welcome the opportunity to have and use his tools. It not, you could sell them and donate the cash to his favorite charity.
His things are just 'things.' You will always have the memories to savor. M
P.S. Gertie's paper boy's mother's cousin not only couldn't give away her husband's clothing, she kept buying more in his size and hanging them in his closet. When his closet was stuffed, she hung clothes in her closet. After 10 years, every closet in the house was bulging.
To prove that 'truth is stranger than fiction,' she met a wonderful man and fell in love again. When they married she disposed of all the men's clothing that had overtaken her house because they weren't the right size for the new man in her life. Problem solved.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Dear Maggie Montclair,
Even though school just started, the Halloween decorations are already on display in my local stores. I'm expecting Christmas items next week, and just the thought of buying gifts gives me a headache. My children and grandchildren already have everything under the sun, and there is no way that I can give them anything they really want. Would it be alright to just give them a check or gift cards? Three years ago, when my husband was alive, I loved the Christmas season. Is this part of grief or am I just getting to be an old crab? Dreading the season
Dear Dreading,
It is sad when we dread the time of year that we celebrate the birth of Jesus. I understand that the commercialism makes it difficult to remember the 'reason for the season,' but our grandchildren are the ones who are really cheated because unless they participate in a religious service, they think Christmas is all about Santa Claus and getting gifts.
So, make Christmas meaningful for you. Take your family to Christmas Eve Services. Tell them you are giving the amount you would spend on gifts to the local food pantry, and let the children help you shop for food and go with you to deliver it. Help them realize how lucky they are. Maybe doing this will help you enjoy Christmas again.
Missing your husband at this special 'family' time of year is normal. It requires action on your part. I know it is an old cliché, but helping others really is the way to make yourself happy. M
P.S. Gertie's favorite mailman's uncle's mother-in-law always told about the time her oldest sister, Maria, decided to have a do-for-others Christmas. She started by taking the money that she would use for gifts and put it in a bowl. After Thanksgiving dinner she showed her family a large bowl of $1 bills and asked them to figure out to whom they should donate this money. She wrote down their ideas as they shouted them out.
The whole family took this idea and ran with it. The adults decided not to exchange gifts, but to add that money to the bowl. Then they decided to cut down on the toys for the children, and they added that money to the bowl. They divided the money between three local charities. Even though Maria has long since gone to her heavenly reward, the family has continued this tradition for the past twenty three years.
Even though school just started, the Halloween decorations are already on display in my local stores. I'm expecting Christmas items next week, and just the thought of buying gifts gives me a headache. My children and grandchildren already have everything under the sun, and there is no way that I can give them anything they really want. Would it be alright to just give them a check or gift cards? Three years ago, when my husband was alive, I loved the Christmas season. Is this part of grief or am I just getting to be an old crab? Dreading the season
Dear Dreading,
It is sad when we dread the time of year that we celebrate the birth of Jesus. I understand that the commercialism makes it difficult to remember the 'reason for the season,' but our grandchildren are the ones who are really cheated because unless they participate in a religious service, they think Christmas is all about Santa Claus and getting gifts.
So, make Christmas meaningful for you. Take your family to Christmas Eve Services. Tell them you are giving the amount you would spend on gifts to the local food pantry, and let the children help you shop for food and go with you to deliver it. Help them realize how lucky they are. Maybe doing this will help you enjoy Christmas again.
Missing your husband at this special 'family' time of year is normal. It requires action on your part. I know it is an old cliché, but helping others really is the way to make yourself happy. M
P.S. Gertie's favorite mailman's uncle's mother-in-law always told about the time her oldest sister, Maria, decided to have a do-for-others Christmas. She started by taking the money that she would use for gifts and put it in a bowl. After Thanksgiving dinner she showed her family a large bowl of $1 bills and asked them to figure out to whom they should donate this money. She wrote down their ideas as they shouted them out.
The whole family took this idea and ran with it. The adults decided not to exchange gifts, but to add that money to the bowl. Then they decided to cut down on the toys for the children, and they added that money to the bowl. They divided the money between three local charities. Even though Maria has long since gone to her heavenly reward, the family has continued this tradition for the past twenty three years.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Gerties says, "Stop seeing that married man...
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I wish that I had read your book a few months ago. I have gotten myself into a situation that is going to lead to heartbreak no matter what I do.
Jim's death was so unexpected that I was in shock for a few months. During that time, one of his co-workers called and invited me to meet him for lunch to talk about Jim. I thought it would do me good to talk to someone who knew Jim in a different setting than as family or friend. So, I joined him at a very nice downtown restaurant. I talked and talked about Jim. I even shed a few tears, and he didn't get upset as my family does when I cry.
We have met for lunch for six weeks and had numerous calls and text messages. Everything is totally above board. We talk about what is going on in the world and in our lives. It seemed so innocent until I realized that I hadn't mentioned Jim for weeks and that I had never told anyone about our lunches. Anyway, last week we went to an afternoon movie. He held my hand and I put my head on his shoulder. I know this is headed for an affair.
But, Maggie. He is a married man. I met his wife a few times at company functions, and she seemed nice. I know that I should stop seeing this wonderful man. But, what I should do and what I want to do are two different things.
I've been thinking that I could call his wife and tip her off so that she will catch us at lunch. That will bring things to a head, and he can tell her that he wants to be with me. Of course, no one will know that I called her. But, if he chooses her, I will be alone.
I am so confused. What should I do?
Love him but don't want an affair
Dear Confused,
Don't call his wife! You are in a mess of your own making. You got in innocently, and now you need to get out quickly. No more lunches or phone calls. This would be a good time to visit out-of-state relatives.
You know what you are doing is wrong or you would have told family and friends that you are meeting him for lunches. By your letter, it is obvious that you don't want to be the "other woman." Don't even try to steal this woman's husband. You probably won't succeed and even if you do, he isn't worth it. If he cheats on her, he will cheat on you. M
P.S. Gertie's bridge partner's brother's neighbor had the same problem. She asked Gertie's advice. Gertie told her: "Don't mistake loneliness for love. This man is a predator. He wants to cheat on his wife with someone who thinks he is the kindest man on earth. Actually, he is a con man of the most extreme. He is playing on your emotions for his own gratification. How clever he is. He hasn't even mentioned intimacy, but you are longing for him and anticipating an affair. What can make him seem more innocent and you more guilty? If he is caught, he can plead to his wife that you threw yourself at him.
Don't see him again, and if he pressures you, tell him that you see him for the cheater he really is. You aren't his first indiscretion, and you won't be his last. His wife probably knows what he is doing, but she puts up with him for her own reasons.
Finish grieving. Live with honor. You will be happy again."
I wish that I had read your book a few months ago. I have gotten myself into a situation that is going to lead to heartbreak no matter what I do.
Jim's death was so unexpected that I was in shock for a few months. During that time, one of his co-workers called and invited me to meet him for lunch to talk about Jim. I thought it would do me good to talk to someone who knew Jim in a different setting than as family or friend. So, I joined him at a very nice downtown restaurant. I talked and talked about Jim. I even shed a few tears, and he didn't get upset as my family does when I cry.
We have met for lunch for six weeks and had numerous calls and text messages. Everything is totally above board. We talk about what is going on in the world and in our lives. It seemed so innocent until I realized that I hadn't mentioned Jim for weeks and that I had never told anyone about our lunches. Anyway, last week we went to an afternoon movie. He held my hand and I put my head on his shoulder. I know this is headed for an affair.
But, Maggie. He is a married man. I met his wife a few times at company functions, and she seemed nice. I know that I should stop seeing this wonderful man. But, what I should do and what I want to do are two different things.
I've been thinking that I could call his wife and tip her off so that she will catch us at lunch. That will bring things to a head, and he can tell her that he wants to be with me. Of course, no one will know that I called her. But, if he chooses her, I will be alone.
I am so confused. What should I do?
Love him but don't want an affair
Dear Confused,
Don't call his wife! You are in a mess of your own making. You got in innocently, and now you need to get out quickly. No more lunches or phone calls. This would be a good time to visit out-of-state relatives.
You know what you are doing is wrong or you would have told family and friends that you are meeting him for lunches. By your letter, it is obvious that you don't want to be the "other woman." Don't even try to steal this woman's husband. You probably won't succeed and even if you do, he isn't worth it. If he cheats on her, he will cheat on you. M
P.S. Gertie's bridge partner's brother's neighbor had the same problem. She asked Gertie's advice. Gertie told her: "Don't mistake loneliness for love. This man is a predator. He wants to cheat on his wife with someone who thinks he is the kindest man on earth. Actually, he is a con man of the most extreme. He is playing on your emotions for his own gratification. How clever he is. He hasn't even mentioned intimacy, but you are longing for him and anticipating an affair. What can make him seem more innocent and you more guilty? If he is caught, he can plead to his wife that you threw yourself at him.
Don't see him again, and if he pressures you, tell him that you see him for the cheater he really is. You aren't his first indiscretion, and you won't be his last. His wife probably knows what he is doing, but she puts up with him for her own reasons.
Finish grieving. Live with honor. You will be happy again."
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have been widowed for almost five years. I have many fun friends with whom I share a variety of activities that keep me busy and enjoying life. I am also blessed with a loving family. Why am I writing? Well, I have a son-in-law who is driving us crazy. Me, in particular because he is a hypochondriac and always seeks me out to share all his ailments. Last week he talked non stop for thirty minutes about his ingrown toenail.
His own mother laughingly claims that he was born complaining about the temperature of the delivery room! What can I do to get him to stop this constant talk of his aches and pains?
Sick & Tired of hearing sick & tired
Dear Sick & Tired,
I think you found the solution when you said, "His own mother laughingly....." LAUGHINGLY being the operative word here. The next time he seeks you out, you can tell him he has three minutes, or five if you can stand it, to talk about his health. Listen intently, then tell him the time is up. If he starts in again, smile and put your fingers in your ears. Tell him your new rule is that no one can talk to you about their health for more than three minutes a day.
Move away and visit with someone else. But, most of all, don't take this so seriously. Laugh it off. If this is your biggest problem, you certainly lead a charmed life. M
P.S. Gertie says, "Don't take that ingrown toenail lightly. My cousin's neighbor's barber had an ingrown toenail that got worse and worse until it turned his whole toe black. It finally fell off----in his sock---- while he was waltzing at his granddaughters wedding."
Friday, May 24, 2013
Dear Maggie Montclair,
Mother's Day has come and gone, and I'm still feeling sad. I just can't figure out what I did wrong. You see, I received another beautiful card from my son. And, again this year, it was in my daughter-in-laws hand writing. I'll bet that she not only signed the card, but purchased it and mailed it when she sent one to her own mother.
Isn't my son capable of even signing a card to me? I use to be so proud of him, but now I wish I'd had a daughter instead. That old adage 'a son is your son till he takes a wife, but a daughter is your daughter all of your life' must be true. Is it because we do too much for our sons, and then they expect their wives to continue taking care of them and their personal obligations? Do they think that work they get paid for is the only important thing they do?
I don't expect things to change, but I do feel better for telling someone.
Wish I had a daughter
Dear Wishing,
I'm not defending him, but I have heard from mothers of daughters with similar situations. It's not the gender, it's the personality and the maturity of the individual. Fortunately, most of our sons and daughters are grateful for the upbringing we gave them. They, especially when they have children, realize the effort and love that went into raising them to adulthood. Maybe he will 'grow up' before you die and send you a card with a personal 'thank you for being my mother.' M
P.S. Gertie's brother's neighbor's uncle has a daughter who receives a 'thank you' card each year on her son's birthday. This card comes to her from her daughter-in-law because she thinks she has the best husband in the world, and she wants to thank her mother-in-law for raising him. That is one smart woman! She has a mother-in-law who loves her dearly and a way to acknowledge her husbands strong points. Nothing makes one try even harder than being honestly appreciated.
Mother's Day has come and gone, and I'm still feeling sad. I just can't figure out what I did wrong. You see, I received another beautiful card from my son. And, again this year, it was in my daughter-in-laws hand writing. I'll bet that she not only signed the card, but purchased it and mailed it when she sent one to her own mother.
Isn't my son capable of even signing a card to me? I use to be so proud of him, but now I wish I'd had a daughter instead. That old adage 'a son is your son till he takes a wife, but a daughter is your daughter all of your life' must be true. Is it because we do too much for our sons, and then they expect their wives to continue taking care of them and their personal obligations? Do they think that work they get paid for is the only important thing they do?
I don't expect things to change, but I do feel better for telling someone.
Wish I had a daughter
Dear Wishing,
I'm not defending him, but I have heard from mothers of daughters with similar situations. It's not the gender, it's the personality and the maturity of the individual. Fortunately, most of our sons and daughters are grateful for the upbringing we gave them. They, especially when they have children, realize the effort and love that went into raising them to adulthood. Maybe he will 'grow up' before you die and send you a card with a personal 'thank you for being my mother.' M
P.S. Gertie's brother's neighbor's uncle has a daughter who receives a 'thank you' card each year on her son's birthday. This card comes to her from her daughter-in-law because she thinks she has the best husband in the world, and she wants to thank her mother-in-law for raising him. That is one smart woman! She has a mother-in-law who loves her dearly and a way to acknowledge her husbands strong points. Nothing makes one try even harder than being honestly appreciated.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Dear Maggie Montclair,
It is Sunday, again. The longest afternoon of the week. I have been widowed two years and really do quite well until Sunday afternoon. Why does this time seem so long and make me depressed? What do you and Gertie do to keep from sitting home alone feeling sorry for yourself?
Sad on Sunday
Dear Sad on Sunday,
Yours is a universal problem for widows. No one has come up with a good explanation about why, just that it is.
Find activities that work for you. I like to call a few friends and go see a movie and then have an early dinner together. It is also a good time to get a few ladies together for cards, bowling or a matinee at your local playhouse.
If you live in a small town, you really need to be creative. I know one woman who started a quilting group. Now, ten women make beautiful quilts, and just three years ago, only one knew how. So, if you know someone who has a skill, ask if she would be willing to teach others. Most artistic people love to share their talent and work with others. It is good for the creative juices. M
P.S. My friend Gertie's brother's wife's cousin was a wonderful artist. She painted all of her life, but without commercial success. A friend asked her to start a painting class for her widows group on Sunday afternoons. On that first Sunday, six women showed up. More came the next week and it was obvious that they had to change locations. The church allowed them to use a basement room, and they were on their way. The students insisted on paying her a small fee for her expertise. It was amazing what those women produced.
They had an art show and sold paintings to raise money for the local Senior Center. Their 'art class' has been written up in the newspaper, and the television station from the nearest city has interviewed them and shown their work. All this because one widow decided to do something about lonely Sunday afternoons.
It is Sunday, again. The longest afternoon of the week. I have been widowed two years and really do quite well until Sunday afternoon. Why does this time seem so long and make me depressed? What do you and Gertie do to keep from sitting home alone feeling sorry for yourself?
Sad on Sunday
Dear Sad on Sunday,
Yours is a universal problem for widows. No one has come up with a good explanation about why, just that it is.
Find activities that work for you. I like to call a few friends and go see a movie and then have an early dinner together. It is also a good time to get a few ladies together for cards, bowling or a matinee at your local playhouse.
If you live in a small town, you really need to be creative. I know one woman who started a quilting group. Now, ten women make beautiful quilts, and just three years ago, only one knew how. So, if you know someone who has a skill, ask if she would be willing to teach others. Most artistic people love to share their talent and work with others. It is good for the creative juices. M
P.S. My friend Gertie's brother's wife's cousin was a wonderful artist. She painted all of her life, but without commercial success. A friend asked her to start a painting class for her widows group on Sunday afternoons. On that first Sunday, six women showed up. More came the next week and it was obvious that they had to change locations. The church allowed them to use a basement room, and they were on their way. The students insisted on paying her a small fee for her expertise. It was amazing what those women produced.
They had an art show and sold paintings to raise money for the local Senior Center. Their 'art class' has been written up in the newspaper, and the television station from the nearest city has interviewed them and shown their work. All this because one widow decided to do something about lonely Sunday afternoons.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Dear Maggie Montclair,
It isn't even the middle of February, and I've already broken all six of my New Year's Resolutions!
To be honest, I broke them all by the middle of January. To make matters worse, my resolutions weren't impossible day dreams. They were all things I should be doing to improve my health and my finances. I just don't have any willpower. Please check with Gertie and see how her friends solve this 'will power' problem.
No Will Power in Palm Beach
Dear No Will Power,
You aren't alone in the 'will power' department. Statistics show that you are actually in the vast majority. I have done some research on resolutions and found that most people set too high of standards for themselves.
We all want to be slim with beautiful hair and flawless skin. We want to spend our money wisely and solve all our financial issues. We all want faithful friends and adoring male companions. Our resolutions usually reflect these desires. Is it possible to become this person? When you try to change six things at once--that is a lot of pressure and a BIG change from your normal routine.Not a good plan. M
P.S. Gertie's brother's neighbor's aunt needed to get serious about losing some weight. She set small goals for herself, and as each goal was met, she treated herself to something other than food. A new hairstyle, new shoes, a piece of jewelry. Always something nice that she could look at and be reminded of her success. By the end of the year, she was well on her way to looking and feeling the way she had pictured herself on that previous New Year's day.
Gertie's bridge partner's cousin needed to clean house. She was getting close to living like the hoarders on television. Everyone was worried about her. They finally talked her into seeing a therapist who specialized in the disorder. Together they began the long process of organizing her home.
Her sister had wanted to send her away for a week and just take several boxes of garbage bags into her home and get the job done. But, most of the way we live is by habit. According to specialists, changing habits take a minimum of twenty one days. We all have quirks, and some border on mental disorders. Be honest with yourself and decide if the changes you want are changes that you can make without help from experts. If you can do it on your own, more power to you. Get the job done! If you need advise, do as the greeting cards say and 'put on your big girl panties,' and ask for help. Do what it takes to be the person you really want to be.
When all my resolutions failed, I looked them over very carefully and decided there was only one that I actually cared enough about to go to the work of making it happen. I'm working on it this year!
It isn't even the middle of February, and I've already broken all six of my New Year's Resolutions!
To be honest, I broke them all by the middle of January. To make matters worse, my resolutions weren't impossible day dreams. They were all things I should be doing to improve my health and my finances. I just don't have any willpower. Please check with Gertie and see how her friends solve this 'will power' problem.
No Will Power in Palm Beach
Dear No Will Power,
You aren't alone in the 'will power' department. Statistics show that you are actually in the vast majority. I have done some research on resolutions and found that most people set too high of standards for themselves.
We all want to be slim with beautiful hair and flawless skin. We want to spend our money wisely and solve all our financial issues. We all want faithful friends and adoring male companions. Our resolutions usually reflect these desires. Is it possible to become this person? When you try to change six things at once--that is a lot of pressure and a BIG change from your normal routine.Not a good plan. M
P.S. Gertie's brother's neighbor's aunt needed to get serious about losing some weight. She set small goals for herself, and as each goal was met, she treated herself to something other than food. A new hairstyle, new shoes, a piece of jewelry. Always something nice that she could look at and be reminded of her success. By the end of the year, she was well on her way to looking and feeling the way she had pictured herself on that previous New Year's day.
Gertie's bridge partner's cousin needed to clean house. She was getting close to living like the hoarders on television. Everyone was worried about her. They finally talked her into seeing a therapist who specialized in the disorder. Together they began the long process of organizing her home.
Her sister had wanted to send her away for a week and just take several boxes of garbage bags into her home and get the job done. But, most of the way we live is by habit. According to specialists, changing habits take a minimum of twenty one days. We all have quirks, and some border on mental disorders. Be honest with yourself and decide if the changes you want are changes that you can make without help from experts. If you can do it on your own, more power to you. Get the job done! If you need advise, do as the greeting cards say and 'put on your big girl panties,' and ask for help. Do what it takes to be the person you really want to be.
When all my resolutions failed, I looked them over very carefully and decided there was only one that I actually cared enough about to go to the work of making it happen. I'm working on it this year!
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