Dear Maggie Montclair,
I wish that I had read your book a few months ago. I have gotten myself into a situation that is going to lead to heartbreak no matter what I do.
Jim's death was so unexpected that I was in shock for a few months. During that time, one of his co-workers called and invited me to meet him for lunch to talk about Jim. I thought it would do me good to talk to someone who knew Jim in a different setting than as family or friend. So, I joined him at a very nice downtown restaurant. I talked and talked about Jim. I even shed a few tears, and he didn't get upset as my family does when I cry.
We have met for lunch for six weeks and had numerous calls and text messages. Everything is totally above board. We talk about what is going on in the world and in our lives. It seemed so innocent until I realized that I hadn't mentioned Jim for weeks and that I had never told anyone about our lunches. Anyway, last week we went to an afternoon movie. He held my hand and I put my head on his shoulder. I know this is headed for an affair.
But, Maggie. He is a married man. I met his wife a few times at company functions, and she seemed nice. I know that I should stop seeing this wonderful man. But, what I should do and what I want to do are two different things.
I've been thinking that I could call his wife and tip her off so that she will catch us at lunch. That will bring things to a head, and he can tell her that he wants to be with me. Of course, no one will know that I called her. But, if he chooses her, I will be alone.
I am so confused. What should I do?
Love him but don't want an affair
Dear Confused,
Don't call his wife! You are in a mess of your own making. You got in innocently, and now you need to get out quickly. No more lunches or phone calls. This would be a good time to visit out-of-state relatives.
You know what you are doing is wrong or you would have told family and friends that you are meeting him for lunches. By your letter, it is obvious that you don't want to be the "other woman." Don't even try to steal this woman's husband. You probably won't succeed and even if you do, he isn't worth it. If he cheats on her, he will cheat on you. M
P.S. Gertie's bridge partner's brother's neighbor had the same problem. She asked Gertie's advice. Gertie told her: "Don't mistake loneliness for love. This man is a predator. He wants to cheat on his wife with someone who thinks he is the kindest man on earth. Actually, he is a con man of the most extreme. He is playing on your emotions for his own gratification. How clever he is. He hasn't even mentioned intimacy, but you are longing for him and anticipating an affair. What can make him seem more innocent and you more guilty? If he is caught, he can plead to his wife that you threw yourself at him.
Don't see him again, and if he pressures you, tell him that you see him for the cheater he really is. You aren't his first indiscretion, and you won't be his last. His wife probably knows what he is doing, but she puts up with him for her own reasons.
Finish grieving. Live with honor. You will be happy again."
