Dear Maggie,
I recently joined a social organization for single women. I am amazed that even though there is a 40 year difference in age between the youngest and oldest member of this group, the friendships are strong and rewarding.
Are all groups this compatible, or are we an exception? We go to restaurants, plays, each others homes, etc. If we are free that evening, we go. If we have other plans, we don't. No one keeps track or puts pressure on others in the group. We don't have meetings or officers, just an activity committee. They make plans for two activities a month for one year. We each get the list that tells us what, where, when, and who is the contact person for that particular activity.
I found this group by answering an ad in my local newspaper. It was the best thing that I have done for myself in a long time. There is nothing like friendship and fun to give your life that spark it needs.
Having Fun In Florida
Dear Having fun,
What a wonderful way to form a group. I suggest anyone who wants to meet other women for 'friendship and fun' to follow your lead and either answer such an ad or plan an activity and place an ad in your local newspaper. M
RESPONSES TO LAST WEEKS LETTER ABOUT 'CARTOON' NAMES:
"My name was worse than a 'cartoon' name. It was downright disgusting. As soon as I turned eighteen, I legally changed both my first and last name. My parent's choice of name put me through years of ridicule, and now I don't want anything to do with them. People who deliberately put an innocent child through such misery don't deserve to have children." Finally, a normal name in North Carolina
"My name was silly and caused a lot of teasing. I learned to ignore it, but was careful to select a husband with a short last name. Names are important." Nice name now.
P.S. As I have mentioned before, Gertie loves to recite quotes even when she doesn't know the authors name. (Sometimes, I think she makes them up.) When she read the letter from 'Having Fun In Florida,' she shared two quotes.
"All adults are the same age." (She claims that is why the number of years one has lived is not an accurate definition of an adult. It is not the years, it is the wisdom that makes one an adult.)
Another definition of adult: "A person who does what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether they feel like it or not."
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have been widowed for three years. I loved my husband with all my heart and was as surprised as everyone else when I met and fell in love with another man.
We get along so well and have many interests in common. Both of our families and friends like each other and are supportive of our relationship. He has asked me to marry him, and I would say yes in a heartbeat if it wasn't for his last name. When I say my first name and his last name....it sounds like a cartoon character.
Our friends laugh when they realize what my name would be. Even my children laugh and think it's cute. Only my fifteen year old granddaughter is as embarrassed as I am.
Should I swallow my pride and just laugh with everyone else? I'm afraid that I will come to resent my name and be sorry that I remarried. How do others handle a situation like this?
Cartoon Cathy in California
Dear Cartoon Cathy,
Many women go through life with names that are interesting, to say the least. I would love to hear from my readers that have this dilemma and learn how they handle it.
I am always surprised when parents give their children names that will cause embarrassment or difficulty in school. A name should be appropriate for a lifetime. Cute baby type names are not so appealing at age 70. Made-up names with weird spellings cause problems for everyone concerned. I urge parents to think twice when naming children. M
P.S. Gertie's brother's mother-in-laws neighbor's cousin is named Dorothy. All of her life she has gone by "Dottie." The last name of the man she fell in love with was Duda. That made her name, "Dottie Duda." She enjoys the fun and claims it makes everyone smile when she introduces herself. Also, no one ever forgets her name. So, apparently the best way to handle this situation is with a good sense of humor. Enjoy the fun.
I have been widowed for three years. I loved my husband with all my heart and was as surprised as everyone else when I met and fell in love with another man.
We get along so well and have many interests in common. Both of our families and friends like each other and are supportive of our relationship. He has asked me to marry him, and I would say yes in a heartbeat if it wasn't for his last name. When I say my first name and his last name....it sounds like a cartoon character.
Our friends laugh when they realize what my name would be. Even my children laugh and think it's cute. Only my fifteen year old granddaughter is as embarrassed as I am.
Should I swallow my pride and just laugh with everyone else? I'm afraid that I will come to resent my name and be sorry that I remarried. How do others handle a situation like this?
Cartoon Cathy in California
Dear Cartoon Cathy,
Many women go through life with names that are interesting, to say the least. I would love to hear from my readers that have this dilemma and learn how they handle it.
I am always surprised when parents give their children names that will cause embarrassment or difficulty in school. A name should be appropriate for a lifetime. Cute baby type names are not so appealing at age 70. Made-up names with weird spellings cause problems for everyone concerned. I urge parents to think twice when naming children. M
P.S. Gertie's brother's mother-in-laws neighbor's cousin is named Dorothy. All of her life she has gone by "Dottie." The last name of the man she fell in love with was Duda. That made her name, "Dottie Duda." She enjoys the fun and claims it makes everyone smile when she introduces herself. Also, no one ever forgets her name. So, apparently the best way to handle this situation is with a good sense of humor. Enjoy the fun.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I am a widow with wonderful children who check with me daily to make sure that I am well and have everything that I need. I still drive and do all my own shopping and housework. I am always busy with friends and lead an active social life. In spite of my resistance, they insist that I need a cat or dog for company.
I don't want a dog. Or a cat. Or a bird. I don't have anything against house pets, it's just that I've had enough pets for one lifetime.
When my kids were at home we had dogs, cats, hamsters, gerbils, fish, and a guinea pig. To this day, whenever I smell cedar, I look for a rodent!
My birthday is getting close, and my grandson has been dropping hints that I will just LOVE my present. He says, "You won't be lonely anymore." I say, "I'm not lonely now," but they don't hear me. They all have dogs and cats and just can't imagine that anyone could be happy without a pet.
What do I do if my birthday present is a dog or a cat?
No hair on the furniture, please
Dear Hairless,
I totally understand. Pets are WORK. They must be fed, groomed, taken to the vet, and either walked or have their litter box changed. There is hair that requires extra vacuuming, accidents that need to be cleaned up, and arrangements to be made when you want to take a vacation. There is always the danger of being tripped by having a small animal under your feet. Many a hip has been broken by such a fall.
You can refuse the 'gift' with a 'no thank you.' They can add it to their own collection of pets. If you tell them that you are afraid you will break a hip, they may be disappointed, but I'm sure they do not want to be the cause of an accident. Animals are wonderful loving companions, if you want to be a pet owner. M
P.S. Gertie here: I had dogs all my life and loved every one of them. But, my apartment won't allow them, and now after so many years, I don't think I would go back to pets even if I could. Maybe I'm selfish, but I don't want to be responsible for a pet. I feel lucky just to be able to take care of myself.
I want to come and go as I please and not have to be home to let the dog out. I don't want to have to brush cat hair off myself every time I leave the house. Nothing is really a gift if it causes a person more work or to miss out on the fun part of their life.
If they are so worried about mom being lonely, they can take her out to dinner more often.
I am a widow with wonderful children who check with me daily to make sure that I am well and have everything that I need. I still drive and do all my own shopping and housework. I am always busy with friends and lead an active social life. In spite of my resistance, they insist that I need a cat or dog for company.
I don't want a dog. Or a cat. Or a bird. I don't have anything against house pets, it's just that I've had enough pets for one lifetime.
When my kids were at home we had dogs, cats, hamsters, gerbils, fish, and a guinea pig. To this day, whenever I smell cedar, I look for a rodent!
My birthday is getting close, and my grandson has been dropping hints that I will just LOVE my present. He says, "You won't be lonely anymore." I say, "I'm not lonely now," but they don't hear me. They all have dogs and cats and just can't imagine that anyone could be happy without a pet.
What do I do if my birthday present is a dog or a cat?
No hair on the furniture, please
Dear Hairless,
I totally understand. Pets are WORK. They must be fed, groomed, taken to the vet, and either walked or have their litter box changed. There is hair that requires extra vacuuming, accidents that need to be cleaned up, and arrangements to be made when you want to take a vacation. There is always the danger of being tripped by having a small animal under your feet. Many a hip has been broken by such a fall.
You can refuse the 'gift' with a 'no thank you.' They can add it to their own collection of pets. If you tell them that you are afraid you will break a hip, they may be disappointed, but I'm sure they do not want to be the cause of an accident. Animals are wonderful loving companions, if you want to be a pet owner. M
P.S. Gertie here: I had dogs all my life and loved every one of them. But, my apartment won't allow them, and now after so many years, I don't think I would go back to pets even if I could. Maybe I'm selfish, but I don't want to be responsible for a pet. I feel lucky just to be able to take care of myself.
I want to come and go as I please and not have to be home to let the dog out. I don't want to have to brush cat hair off myself every time I leave the house. Nothing is really a gift if it causes a person more work or to miss out on the fun part of their life.
If they are so worried about mom being lonely, they can take her out to dinner more often.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I am in a situation with my daughter and 15 year old granddaughter, Angie. She has a 17 year old steady boyfriend, and after seeing them together at a family picnic, I think that if they aren't already sexually active, they soon will be.
I talked with my daughter about it and suggested that she explain sex to Angie and be sure she knows how to protect herself against pregnancy and disease.
My daughter reacted by saying, "Mother, she is only 15. Don't rush her. I'll talk to her when she is 17."
Maggie, in two years she will be able to explain the 'facts of life' to her mother. What should I do? Do I dare have a chat with my granddaughter without the consent of her mother?
Bemoanning the Loss of Innocence in S.D.
Dear Loss of Innocence,
Young people are more informed at an earlier age than we were. Or at least they think so. I think you are wise to be concerned about your granddaughter.
You could take her to lunch and in a non-judgmental way, tell her you remember the strong feelings of young love. Ask her if she understands the 'facts' and has protection against pregnancy and disease.
Explain to her that being sexually active will change the relationship with her boyfriend. Going places together often slows down or stops altogether as the relationship hinges on sex. Without criticizing this particular young man, explain that men mature later than women in the relationdship department and while young men often don't have the maturity to handle an actual relationship, they do want sex and even consider it the whole relationship.
Let her know that you will be there for her with information and advice if she asks for it. Reinforce how proud you are of her maturity and her bright future. Knowing she has your unconditional love is another weapon that helps her self-control. M
P.S. Gertie's meter reader's daughter's best friend teaches second grade. She has a store in her classroom that sells paper, pencils and erasers. Eric and Missy are the current storekeepers. At the end of the year, Miss Brown expained how they would take inventory and then store the supplies and money in the cupboard until school started again in the fall.
Eric raised his hand and announced, "Missy and I are getting a divorce. I think we should split the money."
With much sadness, we say goodbye to innocence.
I am in a situation with my daughter and 15 year old granddaughter, Angie. She has a 17 year old steady boyfriend, and after seeing them together at a family picnic, I think that if they aren't already sexually active, they soon will be.
I talked with my daughter about it and suggested that she explain sex to Angie and be sure she knows how to protect herself against pregnancy and disease.
My daughter reacted by saying, "Mother, she is only 15. Don't rush her. I'll talk to her when she is 17."
Maggie, in two years she will be able to explain the 'facts of life' to her mother. What should I do? Do I dare have a chat with my granddaughter without the consent of her mother?
Bemoanning the Loss of Innocence in S.D.
Dear Loss of Innocence,
Young people are more informed at an earlier age than we were. Or at least they think so. I think you are wise to be concerned about your granddaughter.
You could take her to lunch and in a non-judgmental way, tell her you remember the strong feelings of young love. Ask her if she understands the 'facts' and has protection against pregnancy and disease.
Explain to her that being sexually active will change the relationship with her boyfriend. Going places together often slows down or stops altogether as the relationship hinges on sex. Without criticizing this particular young man, explain that men mature later than women in the relationdship department and while young men often don't have the maturity to handle an actual relationship, they do want sex and even consider it the whole relationship.
Let her know that you will be there for her with information and advice if she asks for it. Reinforce how proud you are of her maturity and her bright future. Knowing she has your unconditional love is another weapon that helps her self-control. M
P.S. Gertie's meter reader's daughter's best friend teaches second grade. She has a store in her classroom that sells paper, pencils and erasers. Eric and Missy are the current storekeepers. At the end of the year, Miss Brown expained how they would take inventory and then store the supplies and money in the cupboard until school started again in the fall.
Eric raised his hand and announced, "Missy and I are getting a divorce. I think we should split the money."
With much sadness, we say goodbye to innocence.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have been widowed for two years and have been searching for a book on widowhood for almost that long. No books for widows are listed on the NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER LIST in my Sunday paper, and my library had nothing that helped me.
I accidently stumbled on your book on Amazon. Thank you so much for your understanding of what widows go through. The 'being busy' and dealing with family was all good information, but the best part for me was being reassured that I'm not going crazy. Your book helped me understand that my thoughts and feelings are normal grief.
There must be many widows needing your book. How can I be of help?/
Want To Help
Dear Want to Help,
You will never know how much I appreciate your letter. My goal is to make widowhood easier. I'll let Gertie tell you how you can help. (She loves to tell people what to do.) M
P.S. Gertie here. Just follow these easy instructions:
1. After you read this letter just click on "follow." That will ensure that you receive an e-mail notification every time there is a new letter. The more followers to a website, the better.
2. Forward your e-mail notification to everyone in your address book. Everyone knows at least one widow who would appreciate being introduced to Maggie.
3. If you purchased your book on Amazon, go back to the site and click "review." Read the current reviews and write a paragraph of your own. You can tell others about the book.
4. If you receive notification on Facebook, please "like" the site.
All women belong to a sisterhood, and we need to help each other. Be a good friend. If you help someone now, help will be there when you need it. Now, go have some fun! Your friend, Gertie.
I have been widowed for two years and have been searching for a book on widowhood for almost that long. No books for widows are listed on the NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER LIST in my Sunday paper, and my library had nothing that helped me.
I accidently stumbled on your book on Amazon. Thank you so much for your understanding of what widows go through. The 'being busy' and dealing with family was all good information, but the best part for me was being reassured that I'm not going crazy. Your book helped me understand that my thoughts and feelings are normal grief.
There must be many widows needing your book. How can I be of help?/
Want To Help
Dear Want to Help,
You will never know how much I appreciate your letter. My goal is to make widowhood easier. I'll let Gertie tell you how you can help. (She loves to tell people what to do.) M
P.S. Gertie here. Just follow these easy instructions:
1. After you read this letter just click on "follow." That will ensure that you receive an e-mail notification every time there is a new letter. The more followers to a website, the better.
2. Forward your e-mail notification to everyone in your address book. Everyone knows at least one widow who would appreciate being introduced to Maggie.
3. If you purchased your book on Amazon, go back to the site and click "review." Read the current reviews and write a paragraph of your own. You can tell others about the book.
4. If you receive notification on Facebook, please "like" the site.
All women belong to a sisterhood, and we need to help each other. Be a good friend. If you help someone now, help will be there when you need it. Now, go have some fun! Your friend, Gertie.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Dear Maggie Montlcair,
I read your book and thought you had some good ideas for meeting new people. They just weren't for me because there was no way that I could go anywhere by myself or speak to a stranger.
Then, a few months ago, I was at my library checking out books when I noticed that the library "book club" was about to start. They were reviewing a book that I had read and loved. I was curious to hear their discussion, so I sat in the back of the room just to listen. I went to the next book club meeting and the next. I met several nice women, and we went to coffee. Then to lunch. They invited me to join their water aerobics class. A few of the women were as large or larger than I, so I bought a swim suit and joined the gym. What fun! I'm exercising, having fun, and losing weight. But, most impoortant of all, I now have several new friends and fun activities to enjoy.
I had to laugh when I realized that I had inadvertently followed your advice. I accidently joined a book club and a whole new world opened for me. I plan to join a Red Hat Chapter next week. They are planning a trip to a winery. Thanks for all the good ideas.
Having fun in Tennessee
Dear Fun Loving Gal,
Thank you for letting me know that my ideas worked for you. Of course, I can't take all of the credit because my widowed friends contributed ideas that worked for them.
You deserve accolades for sitting in on that first book club session and then going back. It sounds like you are on your to a happier life. Good for you. M
P.S. Gertie's brother's ex-wife's mother used the excuse of shyness to make other people responsible for her entertainment. Finally, her daughter got tired of being her social secretary and insisted she either be alone or make her own plans at least half the time.
Her mother was mad at first because she had to take responsibility for herself or be alone. She had also lost control of the family. Her passive-aggressive behavior wasn't going to work any longer.
Gertie warns us all to make sure that we aren't trying to control our family through our own weaknesses, real or imaginary.
I read your book and thought you had some good ideas for meeting new people. They just weren't for me because there was no way that I could go anywhere by myself or speak to a stranger.
Then, a few months ago, I was at my library checking out books when I noticed that the library "book club" was about to start. They were reviewing a book that I had read and loved. I was curious to hear their discussion, so I sat in the back of the room just to listen. I went to the next book club meeting and the next. I met several nice women, and we went to coffee. Then to lunch. They invited me to join their water aerobics class. A few of the women were as large or larger than I, so I bought a swim suit and joined the gym. What fun! I'm exercising, having fun, and losing weight. But, most impoortant of all, I now have several new friends and fun activities to enjoy.
I had to laugh when I realized that I had inadvertently followed your advice. I accidently joined a book club and a whole new world opened for me. I plan to join a Red Hat Chapter next week. They are planning a trip to a winery. Thanks for all the good ideas.
Having fun in Tennessee
Dear Fun Loving Gal,
Thank you for letting me know that my ideas worked for you. Of course, I can't take all of the credit because my widowed friends contributed ideas that worked for them.
You deserve accolades for sitting in on that first book club session and then going back. It sounds like you are on your to a happier life. Good for you. M
P.S. Gertie's brother's ex-wife's mother used the excuse of shyness to make other people responsible for her entertainment. Finally, her daughter got tired of being her social secretary and insisted she either be alone or make her own plans at least half the time.
Her mother was mad at first because she had to take responsibility for herself or be alone. She had also lost control of the family. Her passive-aggressive behavior wasn't going to work any longer.
Gertie warns us all to make sure that we aren't trying to control our family through our own weaknesses, real or imaginary.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
My sister-in-law recently passed away while living with her daughter. She was originally from another state and had many friends, therefore there will be a Memorial Service in both states.
I sent a sympathy card with money in it to her daughter and family from my family. Should I also send cards to her sister and brother who live in another state?
Cornered and confused
Dear Confused,
I'm sorry for your loss. Cards are always in good taste. A rememberance of a happy memory of the deceased make it even more special.
Money is always optional and seems to be a regional practice. Send the cards. I'm sure they will appreciate your thoughtfulness. M
P.S. Some people love sending cards and some don't. It is a personal preference. However, there are times when a card is definitely appropriate to express your condolences, congratulations, or birthday wishes to someone you care about. Gertie says, "if you don't care enough to write a few words that make it special, then save your stamp!"
My sister-in-law recently passed away while living with her daughter. She was originally from another state and had many friends, therefore there will be a Memorial Service in both states.
I sent a sympathy card with money in it to her daughter and family from my family. Should I also send cards to her sister and brother who live in another state?
Cornered and confused
Dear Confused,
I'm sorry for your loss. Cards are always in good taste. A rememberance of a happy memory of the deceased make it even more special.
Money is always optional and seems to be a regional practice. Send the cards. I'm sure they will appreciate your thoughtfulness. M
P.S. Some people love sending cards and some don't. It is a personal preference. However, there are times when a card is definitely appropriate to express your condolences, congratulations, or birthday wishes to someone you care about. Gertie says, "if you don't care enough to write a few words that make it special, then save your stamp!"
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