Dear Maggie Montclair,
My mother-in-law is driving me crazy. She always tried to know everything that was going on with our life, and now that David is gone, she wants to keep track of me. He was so good at appeasing her and keeping the peace, but I'm not that skilled, and I'm afraid we will be having words if I don't figure out a strategy.
She calls almost everyday and asks about her grandchildren who are married, working and in college. This is fine, but then she asks if I have met anyone to date. She then talks about people she has known who married again and are unhappy or swindled out of money. How can I get her to back off and trust me to make intelligent decisions for my life?
Looking for privacy
Dear Looking,
It is hard for your mother-in-law to let go. You say she was overly involved in his life and is now obsessed with yours. Does that surprise you?
She probably won't change. Instead of letting this situation cause trouble between you, why not let it bring you together? Tell her in a loving way that you appreciate her concern for your future and that you will let her know the minute you meet anyone that interests you in a romantic way. If she brings it up again, remind her that you promised to tell her when, if ever, you have any interest in dating. If you do start dating, you can share that information with her. Remember, if a relationship has to be kept secret, it shouldn't be a relationship.
Understand that she is probably afraid of hearing about or being asked about your activities from other people. For some reason, it is human nature to want to know what is going on in the lives of those we love. She loves you and her grandchildren so she feels she has a right to know everything.
If you initiate a daily call to make sure she is feeling well and to update her on you and her grandchildren, she will be one happy woman. She can share with her friends that you call every day to make sure she is well and to let her know what you and the grandchildren are doing. How can she not love and appreciate such a caring daughter-in-law.
This goes for your own mother, too. You think that your mother has finally accepted you as a grown woman, and then, when you are on your own, her mother instinct kicks in full force, and she goes into 'protective mode.' This is a normal reaction, so handle it by taking the lead. You will both be happier.
M
P.S. Gertie's cousin's youngest daughter, Emily, had what she called, "the mother-in-law with a herculean nose." For years, this woman stuck her nose into every aspect of their marriage. She had been widowed long before Emily married into the family, so as a young bride, Emily had no sympathy for this lonely woman.
One evening the mother-in-law called while Emily's husband was at a meeting. They talked for a few minutes and she gave her the latest run-down on the grandchildren. When they were ready to hang up, Emily automatically said, "I love you," as she did with her own mother.
The phone went silent for a moment and then there was a sob. Finally her mother-in-law responded by saying, "No one has told me they loved me for years."
Emily apologized for not letting her know how much she meant to all of them. In that moment, their relationship changed forever. Emily treated her the way she wanted to be treated, and the mother-in-law responded with love.
I love happy endings, and sometimes it only takes a few kind words to get one.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have been widowed for six months and am truly struggling every day. I just finished reading your book, which was very helpful and enjoyable reading. My problem is that I live in a small town, under 500 people, and we don't have grieving groups etc.
I do have two widowed friends who still work, so I don't get to see them often. I feel like I am a burden to my family because I am so sad. If it weren't for my grandchildren, I possibly wouldn't leave the house. I go to all their activities. Can you offer any suggestions?
Small Town Girl
Dear Small Town Girl,
You are among the newly widowed, so this is your toughest time. You will feel better as you make plans for this new phase in your life.
Look around your small town. Are you lucky enough to still have an elementary school? If so, check with the principal and see where you can be of use. It might be in the lunch room or checking papers or listening to students read. Schools always need volunteers,
Do you have a nursing home or assisted living facility? Residents love to play BINGO, and they often need a caller or volunteers to help the seniors play. Many need help with correspondence, and some enjoy being read to. Women get a big lift just by having their nails polished.
Every town has organizations that need help. Your church is a good place to start. Scout troops appreciate learning how to crochet, decorate cupcakes or other fun ideas that may be a specialty of yours. I always recommend volunteering because you are not only helping others, but you are doing yourself a world of good. In fact, most find that they benefit even more than those they are helping.
Your working friends would probably enjoy getting together once a week because even though they are busy working, they still need to be with other people just for fun. Give them a call, and make some plans. I know you will be able to think of more fun things to do and ways to help others
Share SURVIVING WIDOWHOOD WITH MAGGIE MONTCLAIR with your children so they will understand what they can do to help you move away from your grief and back to a full life. Your grandchildren are lucky to have you as they will learn a valuable life lesson by watching how you reach out to others.
Each day is a new opportunity to make yourself happy. God Bless You.
M
P.S Gertie's piano teacher's cousin's aunt loved animals and always had at least one dog. After she was widowed, it was necessary to sell her home and move to an apartment. They didn't allow dogs, so she found another way to enjoy her four footed friends.
She can be found every Saturday morning walking dogs for the Humane Society. Not only does she get to enjoy the dogs, she has met a whole new group of friends. When they finish walking, they enjoy lunch and conversation. So, she gets to be with dogs, she gets some exercise, and she has a lunch date with new friends. What a great way to start the weekend!
I have been widowed for six months and am truly struggling every day. I just finished reading your book, which was very helpful and enjoyable reading. My problem is that I live in a small town, under 500 people, and we don't have grieving groups etc.
I do have two widowed friends who still work, so I don't get to see them often. I feel like I am a burden to my family because I am so sad. If it weren't for my grandchildren, I possibly wouldn't leave the house. I go to all their activities. Can you offer any suggestions?
Small Town Girl
Dear Small Town Girl,
You are among the newly widowed, so this is your toughest time. You will feel better as you make plans for this new phase in your life.
Look around your small town. Are you lucky enough to still have an elementary school? If so, check with the principal and see where you can be of use. It might be in the lunch room or checking papers or listening to students read. Schools always need volunteers,
Do you have a nursing home or assisted living facility? Residents love to play BINGO, and they often need a caller or volunteers to help the seniors play. Many need help with correspondence, and some enjoy being read to. Women get a big lift just by having their nails polished.
Every town has organizations that need help. Your church is a good place to start. Scout troops appreciate learning how to crochet, decorate cupcakes or other fun ideas that may be a specialty of yours. I always recommend volunteering because you are not only helping others, but you are doing yourself a world of good. In fact, most find that they benefit even more than those they are helping.
Your working friends would probably enjoy getting together once a week because even though they are busy working, they still need to be with other people just for fun. Give them a call, and make some plans. I know you will be able to think of more fun things to do and ways to help others
Share SURVIVING WIDOWHOOD WITH MAGGIE MONTCLAIR with your children so they will understand what they can do to help you move away from your grief and back to a full life. Your grandchildren are lucky to have you as they will learn a valuable life lesson by watching how you reach out to others.
Each day is a new opportunity to make yourself happy. God Bless You.
M
P.S Gertie's piano teacher's cousin's aunt loved animals and always had at least one dog. After she was widowed, it was necessary to sell her home and move to an apartment. They didn't allow dogs, so she found another way to enjoy her four footed friends.
She can be found every Saturday morning walking dogs for the Humane Society. Not only does she get to enjoy the dogs, she has met a whole new group of friends. When they finish walking, they enjoy lunch and conversation. So, she gets to be with dogs, she gets some exercise, and she has a lunch date with new friends. What a great way to start the weekend!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Dear Readers,
This information is in response to the queries concerning the reference to Gertie's tattoo.
Yes, Gertie does have a tat. When asked about it, she stated, "It is a small, very tasteful, red rose, and from now on only the undertaker will ever see it."
She got the tattoo many years ago on her fiftieth birthday as a reminder to herself that one is only as old as they allow themselves to feel. So far, she has not regretted making that decision, and when she gets a mirror, contorts her body, and admires the rose, she remembers her young spirit. I have interviewed countless women over the age of eighty who have confirmed Gertie's statement, "no matter what the actual age in years, in our head we are always eighteen."
Gertie reminds us that we all possess a young spirit that needs to be nourished and protected. So, let's make this the week that we do something to keep that spirit active. It is not being self-indulgent, it is an investment in your life.
Maybe a tat isn't your thing. How about: getting your hair colored, or even a wig, maybe nails painted bright red or maybe white tipped French nails, a pedicure, a massage, fancy chandelier earrings or a pair of sandals that even your granddaughter would love.
Make this the week that you do something for yourself. Whatever it is, do SOMETHING to celebrate the fact that you are alive and happy to be on this side of the grass! Love your life and give flight to your young spirit. Call a few friends and have some fun. Keep that spirit alive by enjoying each day, and you will never be an "old" woman.
M
This information is in response to the queries concerning the reference to Gertie's tattoo.
Yes, Gertie does have a tat. When asked about it, she stated, "It is a small, very tasteful, red rose, and from now on only the undertaker will ever see it."
She got the tattoo many years ago on her fiftieth birthday as a reminder to herself that one is only as old as they allow themselves to feel. So far, she has not regretted making that decision, and when she gets a mirror, contorts her body, and admires the rose, she remembers her young spirit. I have interviewed countless women over the age of eighty who have confirmed Gertie's statement, "no matter what the actual age in years, in our head we are always eighteen."
Gertie reminds us that we all possess a young spirit that needs to be nourished and protected. So, let's make this the week that we do something to keep that spirit active. It is not being self-indulgent, it is an investment in your life.
Maybe a tat isn't your thing. How about: getting your hair colored, or even a wig, maybe nails painted bright red or maybe white tipped French nails, a pedicure, a massage, fancy chandelier earrings or a pair of sandals that even your granddaughter would love.
Make this the week that you do something for yourself. Whatever it is, do SOMETHING to celebrate the fact that you are alive and happy to be on this side of the grass! Love your life and give flight to your young spirit. Call a few friends and have some fun. Keep that spirit alive by enjoying each day, and you will never be an "old" woman.
M
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I am lucky to have an active social life. I have two friends that I pick-up and give rides. They live close to me, and it is always more fun to travel with other people. I never let them pay me as I was going anyway, and it just wasn't a concern.
Now, with gas prices going through the roof, I think it would be nice if they would help with a little gas money. Neither has offered even though we have talked about the high price of gas. Should I ask? If so, how do I bring it up, and how much do I charge?
Changing my mind
Dear Mind-Changer,
It is a woman's prerogative to change her mind. You could start the conversation in that joking manner by saying, "Ladies, I've changed my mind about gas money. I'm going to let you help me 'pay the pump.' I never dreamed prices would get this high, so what do you think is a fair price?"
They will probably be happy to pay their fair share. No one wants to be a freeloader. They might decide to drive themselves or suggest trading off. At least it is out in the open where you can discuss the situation and agree on a solution.
M
P.S. Gertie's tattoo artist's mother taped a rate card to the glove compartment door. At first, everyone just read it and deposited the requested amount in the door pocket by their seat. Now it is a big joke and they all laugh as they put their fair share in the door. Sometimes they kid her because there is still money tucked there from the last ride. This method works well for them. Will it work for you? If it's good enough for Gertie's friends it is probably good enough for anyone. Gertie likes the idea because by paying each time it is never more than a few dollars unless it is an out of town trip.
How do you handle 'gas' money?
I am lucky to have an active social life. I have two friends that I pick-up and give rides. They live close to me, and it is always more fun to travel with other people. I never let them pay me as I was going anyway, and it just wasn't a concern.
Now, with gas prices going through the roof, I think it would be nice if they would help with a little gas money. Neither has offered even though we have talked about the high price of gas. Should I ask? If so, how do I bring it up, and how much do I charge?
Changing my mind
Dear Mind-Changer,
It is a woman's prerogative to change her mind. You could start the conversation in that joking manner by saying, "Ladies, I've changed my mind about gas money. I'm going to let you help me 'pay the pump.' I never dreamed prices would get this high, so what do you think is a fair price?"
They will probably be happy to pay their fair share. No one wants to be a freeloader. They might decide to drive themselves or suggest trading off. At least it is out in the open where you can discuss the situation and agree on a solution.
M
P.S. Gertie's tattoo artist's mother taped a rate card to the glove compartment door. At first, everyone just read it and deposited the requested amount in the door pocket by their seat. Now it is a big joke and they all laugh as they put their fair share in the door. Sometimes they kid her because there is still money tucked there from the last ride. This method works well for them. Will it work for you? If it's good enough for Gertie's friends it is probably good enough for anyone. Gertie likes the idea because by paying each time it is never more than a few dollars unless it is an out of town trip.
How do you handle 'gas' money?
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