Dear Maggie Montclair,
My mother-in-law is driving me crazy. She always tried to know everything that was going on with our life, and now that David is gone, she wants to keep track of me. He was so good at appeasing her and keeping the peace, but I'm not that skilled, and I'm afraid we will be having words if I don't figure out a strategy.
She calls almost everyday and asks about her grandchildren who are married, working and in college. This is fine, but then she asks if I have met anyone to date. She then talks about people she has known who married again and are unhappy or swindled out of money. How can I get her to back off and trust me to make intelligent decisions for my life?
Looking for privacy
Dear Looking,
It is hard for your mother-in-law to let go. You say she was overly involved in his life and is now obsessed with yours. Does that surprise you?
She probably won't change. Instead of letting this situation cause trouble between you, why not let it bring you together? Tell her in a loving way that you appreciate her concern for your future and that you will let her know the minute you meet anyone that interests you in a romantic way. If she brings it up again, remind her that you promised to tell her when, if ever, you have any interest in dating. If you do start dating, you can share that information with her. Remember, if a relationship has to be kept secret, it shouldn't be a relationship.
Understand that she is probably afraid of hearing about or being asked about your activities from other people. For some reason, it is human nature to want to know what is going on in the lives of those we love. She loves you and her grandchildren so she feels she has a right to know everything.
If you initiate a daily call to make sure she is feeling well and to update her on you and her grandchildren, she will be one happy woman. She can share with her friends that you call every day to make sure she is well and to let her know what you and the grandchildren are doing. How can she not love and appreciate such a caring daughter-in-law.
This goes for your own mother, too. You think that your mother has finally accepted you as a grown woman, and then, when you are on your own, her mother instinct kicks in full force, and she goes into 'protective mode.' This is a normal reaction, so handle it by taking the lead. You will both be happier.
M
P.S. Gertie's cousin's youngest daughter, Emily, had what she called, "the mother-in-law with a herculean nose." For years, this woman stuck her nose into every aspect of their marriage. She had been widowed long before Emily married into the family, so as a young bride, Emily had no sympathy for this lonely woman.
One evening the mother-in-law called while Emily's husband was at a meeting. They talked for a few minutes and she gave her the latest run-down on the grandchildren. When they were ready to hang up, Emily automatically said, "I love you," as she did with her own mother.
The phone went silent for a moment and then there was a sob. Finally her mother-in-law responded by saying, "No one has told me they loved me for years."
Emily apologized for not letting her know how much she meant to all of them. In that moment, their relationship changed forever. Emily treated her the way she wanted to be treated, and the mother-in-law responded with love.
I love happy endings, and sometimes it only takes a few kind words to get one.
