Dear Maggie Montclair,
I just finished reading your book, and I'm upset with you. I am a widower, and I want you to know that I have just as much pain as any widow. Maybe more. Just getting a meal and doing the laundry is a frustrating challenge for me.
Why didn't you sympathize and give helpful hints to the men who have lost their wives instead of warning widows about us men lurking in the shadows? Most of us are decent men who are just as lonely as the women. We aren't out to get their money or nursing skills. We want friends and fun just as much as the ladies. Maybe even a little romance. What do you have to say to us?
Mad at Maggie in Kansas City
Dear Mad,
I'm sorry you feel slighted. It was totally unintentional. I do sympathize with your pain, but being a woman, I can only make suggestions from my point of view and experience.
However, I will give you the same dating advice. Be careful out there. Many men seem to think that if they just get married again, life will get back to normal. I'm sorry to say that most have lived to rue the day of that second wedding. Men, as well as women, have to go to all the hard work of making a new life for themselves.
M
P.S. When I showed your letter to Gertie, she shared a few thoughts. "First of all, most of the men that I have had the good or bad fortune to know, are not particularly forthcoming with their emotional needs. Somehow, men think that they are less than masculine if they admit to being lonely or in need of help. You seem hesitant to go out to eat, to the movies or any social event unless you are with your brother or another relative. You will go hunting or fishing with a buddy, but not to the movies. Are you being homophobic? Maybe you would have a more active social life if you were more like women in your attitude towards friends."
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I took care of my husband for three years while he struggled with cancer. He was sick for so long that we lost touch with couples we had known and the women friends that I had played cards with. I quit my job two years ago, so I have become quite isolated except for my children and grandchildren.
When my husband was alive and our children needed money, he always gave it quickly and told them not to worry about paying it back. They are having a hard time understanding that the situation has changed, and I'm not willing to just hand out money every time they want a new electronic gadget or need to get caught up on their credit card bills.
They all have jobs and every electronic toy imaginable. I want to get a part time job, meet people, join some groups, do some volunteering, and enjoy my life. I just turned sixty, so I should have many good years left.
Last week, I refused to babysit on Saturday night because I was asked to substitute in my neighbor's card club. My daughter said I was being selfish. Yesterday, I refused to give my son $1,550.00 so he could pay a credit card bill. As he left my house, he slammed the door. So, now two of my three children aren't speaking to me, and when they tell their sister, she will probably side with them.
I need someone to tell me not to cave-in. I'm so tempted to give them what they want just to keep the peace.
Ready to cave
Dear Cave-In,
Please don't. If you give in now, you will never have the life you want for yourself. As you said, you are only sixty and have many years left. That takes a lot of money! Unless you are one of the very wealthy, you cannot afford to support three children and their families. And, unless they change their ways, when your funds are gone, you will all be in a sinking ship.
Don't let your children draw you into any arguments over money and child care. Just say, "I can't help you right now." Let them be mad. Maybe they will grow up a little. If you have the funds, you can give them each a nice check at Christmas, and if you are free on an evening they ask you to watch your grandchildren, and you want to, then, by all means do so. Remember, it should always be your choice.
M
P.S. Gertie's aunt's neighbor's masseuse had a similar problem. Her only child was a daughter with very expensive tastes. She admits that she spoiled her during her young years when her husband was working, and she had her own thriving business. When she was widowed, she realized that she could not spend as freely as before. Her daughter couldn't grasp that concept and was angry with her mother. She cut her out of her life for three years.
One day, she knocked on the door and said, "I understand." She had learned to live on her own paycheck and met a wonderful young man who (unlike her) had worked his way through college. Now they were planning to marry and continue to live on a budget. She had matured enough to realize that it is not 'things' that make you happy. She thanked her mother for forcing her to grow up and learn the really important lessons in life.
Of course, not every situation turns out this way. Some will never learn how to take care of themselves, and some will always be mad for being forced to be responsible for their own lives. Is it worth the risk? That decision must be made by each individual.
I took care of my husband for three years while he struggled with cancer. He was sick for so long that we lost touch with couples we had known and the women friends that I had played cards with. I quit my job two years ago, so I have become quite isolated except for my children and grandchildren.
When my husband was alive and our children needed money, he always gave it quickly and told them not to worry about paying it back. They are having a hard time understanding that the situation has changed, and I'm not willing to just hand out money every time they want a new electronic gadget or need to get caught up on their credit card bills.
They all have jobs and every electronic toy imaginable. I want to get a part time job, meet people, join some groups, do some volunteering, and enjoy my life. I just turned sixty, so I should have many good years left.
Last week, I refused to babysit on Saturday night because I was asked to substitute in my neighbor's card club. My daughter said I was being selfish. Yesterday, I refused to give my son $1,550.00 so he could pay a credit card bill. As he left my house, he slammed the door. So, now two of my three children aren't speaking to me, and when they tell their sister, she will probably side with them.
I need someone to tell me not to cave-in. I'm so tempted to give them what they want just to keep the peace.
Ready to cave
Dear Cave-In,
Please don't. If you give in now, you will never have the life you want for yourself. As you said, you are only sixty and have many years left. That takes a lot of money! Unless you are one of the very wealthy, you cannot afford to support three children and their families. And, unless they change their ways, when your funds are gone, you will all be in a sinking ship.
Don't let your children draw you into any arguments over money and child care. Just say, "I can't help you right now." Let them be mad. Maybe they will grow up a little. If you have the funds, you can give them each a nice check at Christmas, and if you are free on an evening they ask you to watch your grandchildren, and you want to, then, by all means do so. Remember, it should always be your choice.
M
P.S. Gertie's aunt's neighbor's masseuse had a similar problem. Her only child was a daughter with very expensive tastes. She admits that she spoiled her during her young years when her husband was working, and she had her own thriving business. When she was widowed, she realized that she could not spend as freely as before. Her daughter couldn't grasp that concept and was angry with her mother. She cut her out of her life for three years.
One day, she knocked on the door and said, "I understand." She had learned to live on her own paycheck and met a wonderful young man who (unlike her) had worked his way through college. Now they were planning to marry and continue to live on a budget. She had matured enough to realize that it is not 'things' that make you happy. She thanked her mother for forcing her to grow up and learn the really important lessons in life.
Of course, not every situation turns out this way. Some will never learn how to take care of themselves, and some will always be mad for being forced to be responsible for their own lives. Is it worth the risk? That decision must be made by each individual.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
March 18, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have been widowed for six months, and I thought I was doing fine. Then, yesterday while I was shopping, I ran into an acquaintance from college that I hadn't seen since our last reunion three years ago.
We visited about jobs and our children and then she asked, "and how is your husband?"
I went blank. This was the first time that I had to say, "he died." I must have looked ready to hyperventilate because she ended our conversation abruptly and hurried away. How do widows handle this? Does it always hurt so much to say those words?
Can't say it in Miami
Dear tongue-tied,
You are still a new widow, and of course it hurts terribly. You can think about this situation and consciously decide what you will say the next time this happens. And there will be a next time.
You can say, "he lost his battle with cancer," or "he didn't survive surgery" or "he was killed in a car accident." Decide the best wording to quickly explain what happened. It should be right to the point so your listener knows the situation. You may even want to give the date so they will know how long you have been widowed. This helps them know how to respond. If you concentrate on making them comfortable, it will also help you.
M
P.S .Gertie's neighbor's manicurist handled her situation in an unusual but 'to the point' way.
When she first had to tell someone the sad news, she said, "he died three months ago after a long heroic battle with cancer. I really can't talk about it right now." The listener could say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and go on with the rest of the conversation.
Later, she was able to say, "He died after a long heroic battle with cancer. I'm now a volunteer for the Cancer Society to help keep his memory alive." This lets the listener feel at ease and know that they can ask questions about her husband and her activities with the Cancer Society.
Her work as a manicurist gave her contact with many widows. She encouraged so many by letting them know that she found comfort through volunteering. Many of her clients went on to volunteer for the Heart Fund, Hospice, and the local hospital. It is amazing how helping someone else eases your own pain.
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have been widowed for six months, and I thought I was doing fine. Then, yesterday while I was shopping, I ran into an acquaintance from college that I hadn't seen since our last reunion three years ago.
We visited about jobs and our children and then she asked, "and how is your husband?"
I went blank. This was the first time that I had to say, "he died." I must have looked ready to hyperventilate because she ended our conversation abruptly and hurried away. How do widows handle this? Does it always hurt so much to say those words?
Can't say it in Miami
Dear tongue-tied,
You are still a new widow, and of course it hurts terribly. You can think about this situation and consciously decide what you will say the next time this happens. And there will be a next time.
You can say, "he lost his battle with cancer," or "he didn't survive surgery" or "he was killed in a car accident." Decide the best wording to quickly explain what happened. It should be right to the point so your listener knows the situation. You may even want to give the date so they will know how long you have been widowed. This helps them know how to respond. If you concentrate on making them comfortable, it will also help you.
M
P.S .Gertie's neighbor's manicurist handled her situation in an unusual but 'to the point' way.
When she first had to tell someone the sad news, she said, "he died three months ago after a long heroic battle with cancer. I really can't talk about it right now." The listener could say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and go on with the rest of the conversation.
Later, she was able to say, "He died after a long heroic battle with cancer. I'm now a volunteer for the Cancer Society to help keep his memory alive." This lets the listener feel at ease and know that they can ask questions about her husband and her activities with the Cancer Society.
Her work as a manicurist gave her contact with many widows. She encouraged so many by letting them know that she found comfort through volunteering. Many of her clients went on to volunteer for the Heart Fund, Hospice, and the local hospital. It is amazing how helping someone else eases your own pain.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
March 10, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have two close friends who have had a 'falling out.' Other friends are coming to me and asking what happened. How can I tell them that it is none of their business? They are taking sides and gossiping. Some are just wanting information for gossip, but others are really concerned and would like to help my two friends.
Caught in the middle
Dear Middle,
Friends do disagree with each other, and sometimes they argue, get really mad and end the friendship. That is a part of life that isn't pleasant, but it needs to be accepted. Long time friendships have the best chance of overcoming such a 'blowup.' Keep your distance and let them work it out. Above all, don't discuss the situation with anyone.
M
P.S. My friend Gertie's brother's wife's cousin was in a similar situation. She smiled her sweetest smile and said, "I know you want what is best for both of them. They have been such good friends to you. I'm sure the best thing for us to do is to let them work it out. So, help them by not gossiping."
As sometimes happens, those two ladies never did get back to their old friendship, but because they are ladies, they are civil to each other and everyone else is comfortable with them in the group. Because there was no gossip and taking sides, the group is still enjoying their times together.
Gertie mentioned something that I found interesting. She has discovered that there are some people who, if they are not talking about someone else, can't think of anything to say. I am monitoring my own conversation to make sure that I am not one of those people.
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have two close friends who have had a 'falling out.' Other friends are coming to me and asking what happened. How can I tell them that it is none of their business? They are taking sides and gossiping. Some are just wanting information for gossip, but others are really concerned and would like to help my two friends.
Caught in the middle
Dear Middle,
Friends do disagree with each other, and sometimes they argue, get really mad and end the friendship. That is a part of life that isn't pleasant, but it needs to be accepted. Long time friendships have the best chance of overcoming such a 'blowup.' Keep your distance and let them work it out. Above all, don't discuss the situation with anyone.
M
P.S. My friend Gertie's brother's wife's cousin was in a similar situation. She smiled her sweetest smile and said, "I know you want what is best for both of them. They have been such good friends to you. I'm sure the best thing for us to do is to let them work it out. So, help them by not gossiping."
As sometimes happens, those two ladies never did get back to their old friendship, but because they are ladies, they are civil to each other and everyone else is comfortable with them in the group. Because there was no gossip and taking sides, the group is still enjoying their times together.
Gertie mentioned something that I found interesting. She has discovered that there are some people who, if they are not talking about someone else, can't think of anything to say. I am monitoring my own conversation to make sure that I am not one of those people.
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