March 18, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have been widowed for six months, and I thought I was doing fine. Then, yesterday while I was shopping, I ran into an acquaintance from college that I hadn't seen since our last reunion three years ago.
We visited about jobs and our children and then she asked, "and how is your husband?"
I went blank. This was the first time that I had to say, "he died." I must have looked ready to hyperventilate because she ended our conversation abruptly and hurried away. How do widows handle this? Does it always hurt so much to say those words?
Can't say it in Miami
Dear tongue-tied,
You are still a new widow, and of course it hurts terribly. You can think about this situation and consciously decide what you will say the next time this happens. And there will be a next time.
You can say, "he lost his battle with cancer," or "he didn't survive surgery" or "he was killed in a car accident." Decide the best wording to quickly explain what happened. It should be right to the point so your listener knows the situation. You may even want to give the date so they will know how long you have been widowed. This helps them know how to respond. If you concentrate on making them comfortable, it will also help you.
M
P.S .Gertie's neighbor's manicurist handled her situation in an unusual but 'to the point' way.
When she first had to tell someone the sad news, she said, "he died three months ago after a long heroic battle with cancer. I really can't talk about it right now." The listener could say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and go on with the rest of the conversation.
Later, she was able to say, "He died after a long heroic battle with cancer. I'm now a volunteer for the Cancer Society to help keep his memory alive." This lets the listener feel at ease and know that they can ask questions about her husband and her activities with the Cancer Society.
Her work as a manicurist gave her contact with many widows. She encouraged so many by letting them know that she found comfort through volunteering. Many of her clients went on to volunteer for the Heart Fund, Hospice, and the local hospital. It is amazing how helping someone else eases your own pain.
