Dear Maggie Montclair,
I took care of my husband for three years while he struggled with cancer. He was sick for so long that we lost touch with couples we had known and the women friends that I had played cards with. I quit my job two years ago, so I have become quite isolated except for my children and grandchildren.
When my husband was alive and our children needed money, he always gave it quickly and told them not to worry about paying it back. They are having a hard time understanding that the situation has changed, and I'm not willing to just hand out money every time they want a new electronic gadget or need to get caught up on their credit card bills.
They all have jobs and every electronic toy imaginable. I want to get a part time job, meet people, join some groups, do some volunteering, and enjoy my life. I just turned sixty, so I should have many good years left.
Last week, I refused to babysit on Saturday night because I was asked to substitute in my neighbor's card club. My daughter said I was being selfish. Yesterday, I refused to give my son $1,550.00 so he could pay a credit card bill. As he left my house, he slammed the door. So, now two of my three children aren't speaking to me, and when they tell their sister, she will probably side with them.
I need someone to tell me not to cave-in. I'm so tempted to give them what they want just to keep the peace.
Ready to cave
Dear Cave-In,
Please don't. If you give in now, you will never have the life you want for yourself. As you said, you are only sixty and have many years left. That takes a lot of money! Unless you are one of the very wealthy, you cannot afford to support three children and their families. And, unless they change their ways, when your funds are gone, you will all be in a sinking ship.
Don't let your children draw you into any arguments over money and child care. Just say, "I can't help you right now." Let them be mad. Maybe they will grow up a little. If you have the funds, you can give them each a nice check at Christmas, and if you are free on an evening they ask you to watch your grandchildren, and you want to, then, by all means do so. Remember, it should always be your choice.
M
P.S. Gertie's aunt's neighbor's masseuse had a similar problem. Her only child was a daughter with very expensive tastes. She admits that she spoiled her during her young years when her husband was working, and she had her own thriving business. When she was widowed, she realized that she could not spend as freely as before. Her daughter couldn't grasp that concept and was angry with her mother. She cut her out of her life for three years.
One day, she knocked on the door and said, "I understand." She had learned to live on her own paycheck and met a wonderful young man who (unlike her) had worked his way through college. Now they were planning to marry and continue to live on a budget. She had matured enough to realize that it is not 'things' that make you happy. She thanked her mother for forcing her to grow up and learn the really important lessons in life.
Of course, not every situation turns out this way. Some will never learn how to take care of themselves, and some will always be mad for being forced to be responsible for their own lives. Is it worth the risk? That decision must be made by each individual.
