Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have been widowed almost five years, and for the most part I'm doing well. However, once in a while I get depressed and just want to hibernate. I don't want to go out with friends or see my family. I just cry and feel sorry for myself. I remember past hurts and convince myself that my friends don't really like me and that my children don't love me or they would call and come over more often. (Heaven forbid they would ever invite me to their house just for a meal without it being someone's birthday.) On some level I seem to enjoy these bouts of "oh, poor me."
I think that I have always felt this way at times, but when I had my husband and children and worked, there just wasn't time to indulge myself. Now, no one cares if I become a recluse for a few days. I won't talk to my friends about this because everyone says I'm always the happy, fun loving member of the group, and I don't want to destroy this illusion. Is this normal or should I seek medical help?
Sad and Crying in California
Dear Tear Soaked,
I can't give you medical advice, but I will tell you what my friends and I have discovered through years of living.
We have all had periods of feeling 'down in the dumps.' Sometimes we have a reason. Something is going on in our life and it maks us depressed. Somehow, when you know why you feel bad, it is not as worrisome.
The real concerns are when we don't know why we feel so bad. Everything seems to be going well. We are busy with friends and are living our life, when all of the sudden, we're in a funk. This often accompanies a few nights of insomnia. Maybe our hormones are still floating around. Maybe this is another part of aging that is not much fun.
Whatever it is, if it gets better after two or three days, it probably is not a serious problem. However, if it happens more than every two or three months, you should speak to your doctor. If nothing else, talking to your doctor will probably give you one less thing to worry about. M
P.S. Gertie's brother's neighbor's cousin has what she calls "down days" about every other month. When she starts feeling depressed or sorry for herself, she makes her plans. Since she works part time, she has to be "down" on Saturday and Sunday. She gets her housework and errands taken care of during the week so that she isn't behind when Monday comes.
She often finds that this high activity level stops her depression, and when Saturday comes she has a whole day to do as she wishes since she got her work done early. She often sneaks off to the movie by herself on Saturday morning and spends the afternoon reading a good book.
She doesn't tell anyone when she is feeling sad. She pushes through and acts normally until Saturday morning. Then, she sleeps as late as she wants, doesn't answer the phone, stays in her p.j's, drinks coffee and eats the donuts she bought yesterday. If she feels like crying, she weeps and wails. When necessary, she continues this scenario through Sunday.
On Sunday evening at six o'clock, she showers, puts on clean p.j's, changes the sheets and checks her schedule for the next week. She admits that she isn't always ready to go back to normal at six o'clock on Sunday night, but she does it anyway. By Monday morning she feels like her usual self again.
I don't know if this will work for anyone else. Maybe everyone needs to find their own way to work through these moods. Life can't be sunshine everyday. Everyone needs an umbrella.
