Dear Maggie Montclair,
Before I became a widow, I didn't think much about loneliness or money. With a husband and family, I was never lonely. Hubby made a good living and took care of the finances. In a heartbeat, all that changed. I am fortunate to have enough money, but I have learned all about loneliness.
Then, I began to receive those e-mails about 'random acts of kindness.' I tried it a few times, and now I always look for opportunities to do something that I would never even have thought about before.
Last week I paid the tab for a mother having lunch with her young daughter. I could see that they had been shoe shopping and were enjoying the morning together. I overhead her say how they needed to hurry home and get the laundry finished. The little girl reminded her that they also needed to stop at the grocery store. The young mother checked her watch and commented that the baby sitter had already been at their house for over two hours, but this was her birthday and daddy was in Afghanistan.
Somehow, doing a 'random act of kindness' makes me feel less lonely. I urge everyone to try it.
Random Ruthie
Dear Random Ruthie,
I just love your very clever name! I too have received those e-mails and enjoy doing 'random acts of kindness.' It makes me feel that in some small way I am counteracting some of the meanness in the world.
Sometimes we can't pay a large check, but if we pay attention, we can find opportunities to do something nice for someone for $5 or less. It is not as much about the money as it is the surprise that a complete stranger will do something nice for you without expecting anything in return. That makes you want to pass the kindness on. M
P.S. My friend, Gertie, is a great movie fan, and when I shared this letter from Random Ruthie, this was her comment.
"One of my favorite movies is, "The Bucket List." In one scene Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are sitting on top of a pyramid. Freeman is explaining to Nicholson that to get into Egyptian Heaven you have to answer these two questions.
1. Have you found the joy in your life?
2. Has your life brought joy to others?
When you think about those two questions, you realize that they both require action on your part. Even the smallest 'random act of kindness' brings joy to others. You bring joy to yourself by keeping those acts a secret, not only from the recipient, but from everyone else you know. It is a 'secret randon act of kindness' that answers both questions on a positive note."
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Maggie is back from her Iowa vacation. She enjoyed a wonderful family wedding, a cousin's reunion, and traveling with her California cousin, Diane. She is working hard to catch up on your e-mails.
Dear Maggie Montclair,
Last week, I overheard two women talking about me. One said, "isn't she beautiful?" The other women agreed. Now, I know that I am not a beauty. I never was. Even when I was slender! But, at that moment we were at a conference, and I had made a special effort to look nice.
I have been thinking about that compliment and what it did for my morale. For the next few days, I actually felt beautiful. My spirits soared. I decided that women I know and consider good friends should have that exceptional experience. So, I told a dear friend that she was beautiful. Not 'looked' beautiful, but 'was' beautiful. There is an important difference. Just watch a Housewives Reality Show, and you will understand what I'm talking about.
My friend denied any claim to beauty. She said, "Oh, my hair is a mess and I've gained five pounds." I said, "yes, you are. Just say "thank you." We both laughed, she said "thank you," and later, she told me that she felt wonderful the rest of the day.
I decided that what was really being said was, "you are such a good friend that you are beautiful in the most significant way." Now I look for opportunities to let my friends know that they are beautiful. Corny? Maybe. Beautiful in Bedford
Dear Bedford Beauty,
Aren't you glad you overheard your friends talking? Maybe that is a good way to let a friend know that you think highly of her. Say it when she can innocently overhear your comment. Somehow, women are more likely to believe a compliment when it is overheard rather than directed to them. In fact, such a compliment would do wonders for a stranger who has worked to put together a social or business meeting that you appreciate.
I'm so glad that you reminded us how to respoond to a compliment. Just say, "thank you." Many times it makes your day. If so, be sure to express that sentiment. M
P.S. Gertie loves to tell this story about a compliment that backfired. Her neighbor's second cousins mother-in-law had an elderly maiden aunt. One day her neighbor was visiting with the mother-in-law and asked if the maiden aunt had lost a fiance' in World War Two. The mother-in-law smiled slyly and proceeded to explain: When the maiden aunt was in high school a young man came-a-calling. The aunt met him at the screen door and listened as he told her that she was the most beautiful girl in town. He offered flowers and a box of candy if she would honor him with a walk around the block.........Without hesitation, she opened that screen door, and using all her strength, pushed him right off the porch! Word must have spread because no young man ever knocked on her door again.
Dear Maggie Montclair,
Last week, I overheard two women talking about me. One said, "isn't she beautiful?" The other women agreed. Now, I know that I am not a beauty. I never was. Even when I was slender! But, at that moment we were at a conference, and I had made a special effort to look nice.
I have been thinking about that compliment and what it did for my morale. For the next few days, I actually felt beautiful. My spirits soared. I decided that women I know and consider good friends should have that exceptional experience. So, I told a dear friend that she was beautiful. Not 'looked' beautiful, but 'was' beautiful. There is an important difference. Just watch a Housewives Reality Show, and you will understand what I'm talking about.
My friend denied any claim to beauty. She said, "Oh, my hair is a mess and I've gained five pounds." I said, "yes, you are. Just say "thank you." We both laughed, she said "thank you," and later, she told me that she felt wonderful the rest of the day.
I decided that what was really being said was, "you are such a good friend that you are beautiful in the most significant way." Now I look for opportunities to let my friends know that they are beautiful. Corny? Maybe. Beautiful in Bedford
Dear Bedford Beauty,
Aren't you glad you overheard your friends talking? Maybe that is a good way to let a friend know that you think highly of her. Say it when she can innocently overhear your comment. Somehow, women are more likely to believe a compliment when it is overheard rather than directed to them. In fact, such a compliment would do wonders for a stranger who has worked to put together a social or business meeting that you appreciate.
I'm so glad that you reminded us how to respoond to a compliment. Just say, "thank you." Many times it makes your day. If so, be sure to express that sentiment. M
P.S. Gertie loves to tell this story about a compliment that backfired. Her neighbor's second cousins mother-in-law had an elderly maiden aunt. One day her neighbor was visiting with the mother-in-law and asked if the maiden aunt had lost a fiance' in World War Two. The mother-in-law smiled slyly and proceeded to explain: When the maiden aunt was in high school a young man came-a-calling. The aunt met him at the screen door and listened as he told her that she was the most beautiful girl in town. He offered flowers and a box of candy if she would honor him with a walk around the block.........Without hesitation, she opened that screen door, and using all her strength, pushed him right off the porch! Word must have spread because no young man ever knocked on her door again.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I read your book and am doing all the things you suggest. Although I am busy, I still feel empty inside. What more can I do to make myself feel whole again? I am not truly happy because I still miss Jim. When will that go away?
Still lonely and missing him
Dear Still Missing,
Being busy, volunteering, traveling and doing fun activities are what you do while time passses. The pain will fade but never be completely gone. As I remind widows in my book, grief is not like the flu. You don't get over it, you learn to live with it. M
Gertie says: Time helps, but I don't think we ever get over the fact that we feel cheated. This is not the way we planned to live out our life. We expected to grow old together. To enjoy the grandchildren together. To retire and spend our leisure time together. Now the "together" is gone and we miss that warm body on the other side of the bed.
Of course we will always carry that sadness with us. And that is alright if we don't let it dominate the rest of our days on earth. We can't let that disappointment and sadness keep us from noticing the good things that we still have in our lives. Now, more than ever before, we must count our blessings.
I read your book and am doing all the things you suggest. Although I am busy, I still feel empty inside. What more can I do to make myself feel whole again? I am not truly happy because I still miss Jim. When will that go away?
Still lonely and missing him
Dear Still Missing,
Being busy, volunteering, traveling and doing fun activities are what you do while time passses. The pain will fade but never be completely gone. As I remind widows in my book, grief is not like the flu. You don't get over it, you learn to live with it. M
Gertie says: Time helps, but I don't think we ever get over the fact that we feel cheated. This is not the way we planned to live out our life. We expected to grow old together. To enjoy the grandchildren together. To retire and spend our leisure time together. Now the "together" is gone and we miss that warm body on the other side of the bed.
Of course we will always carry that sadness with us. And that is alright if we don't let it dominate the rest of our days on earth. We can't let that disappointment and sadness keep us from noticing the good things that we still have in our lives. Now, more than ever before, we must count our blessings.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
IN MEMORIAM
My brother says
no one is dead
until the last person
who knew him
is also gone.
I read of a man who
had kept a record
since childhood
of every person
he had ever met.
I wish I had done that.
I am sure it would be
more than two thousand.
And I intend to
keep on meeting people.
Lois G. Harvey
This is one of my favorite poems. It remind us that during our lifetime, we meet many people.
Ask yourself how many became friends. Not acquaintences, but real friends.
If you had a party and could only invite actual friends, how many pieces of cake would you need?
P.S. Gertie suggests that we make this our week to add a new friend. Take a person that you like from acquaintance status to friendship.
Take her to lunch.
Or invite her to your home.
Bake her some cookies.
If you know she is having a rough time, make contact and acknowledge her difficulty.
In other words: If you want a friend, then BE a friend.
My brother says
no one is dead
until the last person
who knew him
is also gone.
I read of a man who
had kept a record
since childhood
of every person
he had ever met.
I wish I had done that.
I am sure it would be
more than two thousand.
And I intend to
keep on meeting people.
Lois G. Harvey
This is one of my favorite poems. It remind us that during our lifetime, we meet many people.
Ask yourself how many became friends. Not acquaintences, but real friends.
If you had a party and could only invite actual friends, how many pieces of cake would you need?
P.S. Gertie suggests that we make this our week to add a new friend. Take a person that you like from acquaintance status to friendship.
Take her to lunch.
Or invite her to your home.
Bake her some cookies.
If you know she is having a rough time, make contact and acknowledge her difficulty.
In other words: If you want a friend, then BE a friend.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I want to comment on the letter about depression. When I feel blue I find that I need to rest and pray. I pray a prayer of thanksgiving. When I begin to list all my blessings, I realize just how many I have. Then I sleep. Then I pray again. Works for me.
Thankful In Montana,
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I thought I was one of the lucky ones who just never got depressed. In fact I was even a little proud that I was above it all. Then one day, a friend mentioned that I seemed grumpy. I realized that I was angry at the world and felt unappreciated and unloved. Since anger is the secondary emotion to hurt, I had to face my feelings, and go from there. This usually happens to me when I get bored. I have high energy and need to keep myself busy. Preventing depression seems to have a lot to do with knowing myself and keeping in balance. At least for me.
All Better Now,
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I fought with depression for years. It seemed to be winning the battle until I began volunteering. I volunteered at several places before I found the right fit. Now I go to the hospital nursery three mornings a week and rock babies. I love my job and my depression is so much better. Helping others helps me.
Love to Rock,
------------------------------------------
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I need to 'sound off.' My friend's son just graduated from medical school. I don't know him well, but I have known my friend
No amount of education can give someone class.
Disappointed In Davenport,
P.S. Gertie here: Right on, Sister!
I want to comment on the letter about depression. When I feel blue I find that I need to rest and pray. I pray a prayer of thanksgiving. When I begin to list all my blessings, I realize just how many I have. Then I sleep. Then I pray again. Works for me.
Thankful In Montana,
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I thought I was one of the lucky ones who just never got depressed. In fact I was even a little proud that I was above it all. Then one day, a friend mentioned that I seemed grumpy. I realized that I was angry at the world and felt unappreciated and unloved. Since anger is the secondary emotion to hurt, I had to face my feelings, and go from there. This usually happens to me when I get bored. I have high energy and need to keep myself busy. Preventing depression seems to have a lot to do with knowing myself and keeping in balance. At least for me.
All Better Now,
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I fought with depression for years. It seemed to be winning the battle until I began volunteering. I volunteered at several places before I found the right fit. Now I go to the hospital nursery three mornings a week and rock babies. I love my job and my depression is so much better. Helping others helps me.
Love to Rock,
------------------------------------------
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I need to 'sound off.' My friend's son just graduated from medical school. I don't know him well, but I have known my friend
No amount of education can give someone class.
Disappointed In Davenport,
P.S. Gertie here: Right on, Sister!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I have been widowed almost five years, and for the most part I'm doing well. However, once in a while I get depressed and just want to hibernate. I don't want to go out with friends or see my family. I just cry and feel sorry for myself. I remember past hurts and convince myself that my friends don't really like me and that my children don't love me or they would call and come over more often. (Heaven forbid they would ever invite me to their house just for a meal without it being someone's birthday.) On some level I seem to enjoy these bouts of "oh, poor me."
I think that I have always felt this way at times, but when I had my husband and children and worked, there just wasn't time to indulge myself. Now, no one cares if I become a recluse for a few days. I won't talk to my friends about this because everyone says I'm always the happy, fun loving member of the group, and I don't want to destroy this illusion. Is this normal or should I seek medical help?
Sad and Crying in California
Dear Tear Soaked,
I can't give you medical advice, but I will tell you what my friends and I have discovered through years of living.
We have all had periods of feeling 'down in the dumps.' Sometimes we have a reason. Something is going on in our life and it maks us depressed. Somehow, when you know why you feel bad, it is not as worrisome.
The real concerns are when we don't know why we feel so bad. Everything seems to be going well. We are busy with friends and are living our life, when all of the sudden, we're in a funk. This often accompanies a few nights of insomnia. Maybe our hormones are still floating around. Maybe this is another part of aging that is not much fun.
Whatever it is, if it gets better after two or three days, it probably is not a serious problem. However, if it happens more than every two or three months, you should speak to your doctor. If nothing else, talking to your doctor will probably give you one less thing to worry about. M
P.S. Gertie's brother's neighbor's cousin has what she calls "down days" about every other month. When she starts feeling depressed or sorry for herself, she makes her plans. Since she works part time, she has to be "down" on Saturday and Sunday. She gets her housework and errands taken care of during the week so that she isn't behind when Monday comes.
She often finds that this high activity level stops her depression, and when Saturday comes she has a whole day to do as she wishes since she got her work done early. She often sneaks off to the movie by herself on Saturday morning and spends the afternoon reading a good book.
She doesn't tell anyone when she is feeling sad. She pushes through and acts normally until Saturday morning. Then, she sleeps as late as she wants, doesn't answer the phone, stays in her p.j's, drinks coffee and eats the donuts she bought yesterday. If she feels like crying, she weeps and wails. When necessary, she continues this scenario through Sunday.
On Sunday evening at six o'clock, she showers, puts on clean p.j's, changes the sheets and checks her schedule for the next week. She admits that she isn't always ready to go back to normal at six o'clock on Sunday night, but she does it anyway. By Monday morning she feels like her usual self again.
I don't know if this will work for anyone else. Maybe everyone needs to find their own way to work through these moods. Life can't be sunshine everyday. Everyone needs an umbrella.
I have been widowed almost five years, and for the most part I'm doing well. However, once in a while I get depressed and just want to hibernate. I don't want to go out with friends or see my family. I just cry and feel sorry for myself. I remember past hurts and convince myself that my friends don't really like me and that my children don't love me or they would call and come over more often. (Heaven forbid they would ever invite me to their house just for a meal without it being someone's birthday.) On some level I seem to enjoy these bouts of "oh, poor me."
I think that I have always felt this way at times, but when I had my husband and children and worked, there just wasn't time to indulge myself. Now, no one cares if I become a recluse for a few days. I won't talk to my friends about this because everyone says I'm always the happy, fun loving member of the group, and I don't want to destroy this illusion. Is this normal or should I seek medical help?
Sad and Crying in California
Dear Tear Soaked,
I can't give you medical advice, but I will tell you what my friends and I have discovered through years of living.
We have all had periods of feeling 'down in the dumps.' Sometimes we have a reason. Something is going on in our life and it maks us depressed. Somehow, when you know why you feel bad, it is not as worrisome.
The real concerns are when we don't know why we feel so bad. Everything seems to be going well. We are busy with friends and are living our life, when all of the sudden, we're in a funk. This often accompanies a few nights of insomnia. Maybe our hormones are still floating around. Maybe this is another part of aging that is not much fun.
Whatever it is, if it gets better after two or three days, it probably is not a serious problem. However, if it happens more than every two or three months, you should speak to your doctor. If nothing else, talking to your doctor will probably give you one less thing to worry about. M
P.S. Gertie's brother's neighbor's cousin has what she calls "down days" about every other month. When she starts feeling depressed or sorry for herself, she makes her plans. Since she works part time, she has to be "down" on Saturday and Sunday. She gets her housework and errands taken care of during the week so that she isn't behind when Monday comes.
She often finds that this high activity level stops her depression, and when Saturday comes she has a whole day to do as she wishes since she got her work done early. She often sneaks off to the movie by herself on Saturday morning and spends the afternoon reading a good book.
She doesn't tell anyone when she is feeling sad. She pushes through and acts normally until Saturday morning. Then, she sleeps as late as she wants, doesn't answer the phone, stays in her p.j's, drinks coffee and eats the donuts she bought yesterday. If she feels like crying, she weeps and wails. When necessary, she continues this scenario through Sunday.
On Sunday evening at six o'clock, she showers, puts on clean p.j's, changes the sheets and checks her schedule for the next week. She admits that she isn't always ready to go back to normal at six o'clock on Sunday night, but she does it anyway. By Monday morning she feels like her usual self again.
I don't know if this will work for anyone else. Maybe everyone needs to find their own way to work through these moods. Life can't be sunshine everyday. Everyone needs an umbrella.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Dear Maggie Montclair,
I went to a family reunion this summer and saw relatives that I hadn't seen since high school. Two of my favorite aunts, twins aged 89, were visiting and I overheard one say to the other, "Just look around. Hardly any of our girls take good care of themselves."
I couldn't let that pass and asked them what made them come to that conclusion. They explained that it was their opinion that women who valued themselves would eat healthy and maintain a weight in proportion to her height. She would take a few minutes to make herself as attractive as possible and would dress appropriately for her age and the occasion.
I looked around and saw middle aged, overweight women wearing faded t-shirts, ripped jeans, short shorts, no make-up, and hair that needed a good shampoo and style. I was part of that group. Granted, there were a few who were dressed neatly, had attractive hair styles, and pretty nails. They looked as if this reunion was important enough to them that they took care with their appearance. Suddenly, I wished that I had taken time for myself, because I really was excited to be there. I just didn't think that I could do anything to make myself look good. I have felt fat and ugly for a long time.
The aunts weren't criticizing us as much as they were feeling sorry for us. Sorry that we had spent so much of our lives taking care of others that we forgot our own value. Sorry that we had forgotten to take the best possible care of this amazing body that we were born with. Sorry we forgot how important it is to our outlook on life to be our very best.
We spent more time preparing our brownies or potato salad than we spent getting ourselves ready. How does that make sense when the food will be consumed in 20 minutes? Then we have to clean up the mess. All the while, forgetting that we hope to be around for years to come.
Since that Saturday in June, I have spent a few minutes every day just taking care of myself. I want to look like my favorite aunts when I am 89 years old.
Lookin' Better Every Day
Dear Good Lookin',
You have the right idea! I bet you will look fabulous at 95. We women find it hard to pamper ourselves, so maybe we need to think about it as taking care of our investment in ourselves. We don't want to end up in a nursing home. That means we need good health. Good health means taking care of ourselves. We might as well look good, too. It doesn't need to cost more money, just more planning. M
P.S. Gertie's friend's mother's second cousin made a big change in her life. She read that if you wanted to be happier with your life, you were supposed to imagine that you came from another planet and are now inhabiting this body and this life. You are supposed to change it into the 'perfect' life.
She realized her weight was fine. She needed work on posture and style. Finances were tight, so she shopped the thrift stores and learned to accessorize. She checked magazines and found a hairstyle that she liked and could fix. She looked at her family and co-workers through the eyes of a stranger and found she liked most of them. Some, she still couldn't stand, so she avoided them as much as possible, but remained polite and helpful.
Six months later, she was a much happier person and felt more confident at work. Will that work for everyone? I don't know. Is it worth trying? If you want to make some positive changes, it can't hurt.
As they say: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome each time."
I went to a family reunion this summer and saw relatives that I hadn't seen since high school. Two of my favorite aunts, twins aged 89, were visiting and I overheard one say to the other, "Just look around. Hardly any of our girls take good care of themselves."
I couldn't let that pass and asked them what made them come to that conclusion. They explained that it was their opinion that women who valued themselves would eat healthy and maintain a weight in proportion to her height. She would take a few minutes to make herself as attractive as possible and would dress appropriately for her age and the occasion.
I looked around and saw middle aged, overweight women wearing faded t-shirts, ripped jeans, short shorts, no make-up, and hair that needed a good shampoo and style. I was part of that group. Granted, there were a few who were dressed neatly, had attractive hair styles, and pretty nails. They looked as if this reunion was important enough to them that they took care with their appearance. Suddenly, I wished that I had taken time for myself, because I really was excited to be there. I just didn't think that I could do anything to make myself look good. I have felt fat and ugly for a long time.
The aunts weren't criticizing us as much as they were feeling sorry for us. Sorry that we had spent so much of our lives taking care of others that we forgot our own value. Sorry that we had forgotten to take the best possible care of this amazing body that we were born with. Sorry we forgot how important it is to our outlook on life to be our very best.
We spent more time preparing our brownies or potato salad than we spent getting ourselves ready. How does that make sense when the food will be consumed in 20 minutes? Then we have to clean up the mess. All the while, forgetting that we hope to be around for years to come.
Since that Saturday in June, I have spent a few minutes every day just taking care of myself. I want to look like my favorite aunts when I am 89 years old.
Lookin' Better Every Day
Dear Good Lookin',
You have the right idea! I bet you will look fabulous at 95. We women find it hard to pamper ourselves, so maybe we need to think about it as taking care of our investment in ourselves. We don't want to end up in a nursing home. That means we need good health. Good health means taking care of ourselves. We might as well look good, too. It doesn't need to cost more money, just more planning. M
P.S. Gertie's friend's mother's second cousin made a big change in her life. She read that if you wanted to be happier with your life, you were supposed to imagine that you came from another planet and are now inhabiting this body and this life. You are supposed to change it into the 'perfect' life.
She realized her weight was fine. She needed work on posture and style. Finances were tight, so she shopped the thrift stores and learned to accessorize. She checked magazines and found a hairstyle that she liked and could fix. She looked at her family and co-workers through the eyes of a stranger and found she liked most of them. Some, she still couldn't stand, so she avoided them as much as possible, but remained polite and helpful.
Six months later, she was a much happier person and felt more confident at work. Will that work for everyone? I don't know. Is it worth trying? If you want to make some positive changes, it can't hurt.
As they say: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome each time."
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